One day we wake up and say, “Where did the time go?” The kids are off and we are retired. Waking up and entering the stage of retirement in a conscious way can make the difference between surviving and thriving for couples during the second half of your life.
We have all heard it before, and perhaps even experienced firsthand the two top killers of a marriage… sex and money. But what does retirement have to do with healthy relationships? It turns out that moving into the stage of retirement can have a significant effect on your relationship. The National Center of Health Statistics reports that during 1981 to 1991, there was a 16 percent increase in the divorce rate among couples who have been married 30 or more years. Marriage after retirement can be a difficult time for many couples.
Life’s Transitions
Look back at your life for a minute and think about those “big” transitions like being born, getting dropped off for school for the first time, your first sleepover, your first bus ride to school, your first date, graduation from high school or college, your first job, having a child, getting divorced/remarried, health/psychological challenges, loss of someone close, children off to school, retirement, and of course the preparation for that last big final transition, the death of your body. From a spiritual perspective, life’s transitions are all simply life’s way of “waking us” – giving us the opportunity to remember why we are alive and to bust through the blocks that hold us back from fully being ourselves.
Because we have been through so much at this point of our lives we would hope that we have learned from all of these past life experiences that put us through initiations but for many of us we are numb to the events and consequently when we enter into the retirement initiation we are no more prepared than when we were hopping on the bus on our way to first grade.
I sat down with Christine Ragusa, a licensed marriage and family therapist working out of Gulf Stream Center for Health and Wealth. Christine has nearly twenty years of counseling experience working with couples and observing couples as they go through life’s challenges and transitions. I was curious about her perspective as couples went through retirement.
1. Intimacy
For some of us, just the thought of being together 24/7 can send shivers down our spine…how sad is that? Chris Ragusa says, “Retirement brings a couple into incredibly close quarters, and you can find yourself staring across the kitchen table at your partner with little to say. Often through necessity your lives have become separate, you sleepwalk through many years and next thing you know the two of you are by yourselves again. Becoming intimate may take practice, and not just sexually. Behaviors you have found in your spouse as slightly annoying during the “busy” years may grow into an ugly monster in retirement if you are not careful. The little things like leaving the toothpaste top off can create a wedge that becomes a silent cavern by the time you finally slow down and look at each other again. Lack of intimacy is the number one killer of a happy retirement.”
Tip: Remember when you were on your first date and you were both nervous? It was exciting and terrifying because it was all new. Have some fun and admit to yourself that in some way this next stage of your life is similar. You may think you know each other but chances are a lot has happened over the years that you have both missed. Enter this time like you are starting over. You know how we say if I could just go back to another time in the past knowing what I know now? How different it would be because I have learned so much and am so much wiser? Well here is your chance. Begin dating again. Coming from this perspective can seem a little strange but it will break the ice and ease the tension. Talk about it this time. Laugh joke and be raw. Everyone goes through it. Choose to be conscious going through it, it can change the game.
2. Communication
As the years slip by we become unconscious of this increasing ability to know each other so well that our non-verbal communication often says more than our words. Not being aware and honest about this is where the trouble starts. Ragusa says, “Couples start to mind read without accuracy and because they think they know exactly what the other is thinking, they think they don’t need to confirm their assumptions with their partner, (mainly because they don’t think they are assumptions at all). Thinking we know everything that the other person and not being conscious of our self-imposed mind reading capabilities is killer number 2 of a happy retirement.”
Tip: Talk about the non-verbal dance that you both do and start by verbalizing what your assumptions are to the other partner. Let the other partner react and respond to the accuracy. The key here is trust and that demands that both are honest with their responses and surrender to the old game of having to be right.
3. Personal Growth
“This is a biggie,” says Ragusa. “In retirement all of a sudden you come together again and have a good look at each other after the long haul of raising kids, losing ourselves in our work, and the busyness of life. When you first met it felt like your heads were in the stars; at the doorstep of retirement it can feel like you are on different planets. Now what? Who are you? Who am I? It is not uncommon for people to define their identity through their jobs and because of this retirement can bring a loss of identity. The value of work for many is more than financial compensation. Work frequently is a source of self-esteem and purpose. So when we enter into retirement it can mean that a big part of our identity is left behind with our employer.”
To the conscious person there are two really positive things about this situation: 1. Like all worthy initiations in life we need to first lose ourselves before we can find ourselves. So retirement can be a great opportunity to grow and move through old blocks and deeper into your authentic life. 2. There is no one who knows our “stuff” or who can push our buttons better than our partner. For the unconscious person the partner can simply seem like a nag or pain in the ass. For the conscious person, marital issues can be seen as mirrors for our own work. Although it can be hard to swallow at times, our partner is our most powerful teacher. And in retirement our teacher is ever present.
Tip: Notice what ticks you off the most. What does your partner do that always pushes your buttons? Next time it happens look inside yourself. Examine how it makes you feel and ask what it is trying to teach you. Consider a tune up session; a coaching session with a qualified retirement couples coach or even a shaman.
4. Financial
Entering into the stage of retirement can increase the tension around money. Life is changing and so will your spending. Will I outlast my money? How and where should I have my retirement money invested? How long will I live? What about the inevitable health care issues? These are all things that if not addressed can begin to erode your fun in retirement and eventually begin to put a wedge in the relationship.
Tip: Successful retirement planning is having a sound financial plan of estate investments and good health benefits. Retirement planning should include couples discussing their relationship, and what each expectation is regarding their retirement years. Create a living plan either with an online do it yourself tool or with a qualified financial advisor. Plan, but don’t hold on to a rigid budget. Entering into the unknown of retirement will only guarantee one thing, change and the unexpected. Allow your plan to bob and weave with your life and consider a financial coach that is qualified to address retirement income planning.
Watch out for falling into the idea that the way you invested while you were working is automatically good for you during retirement. Chances are it could be a costly mistake. Discuss the investments with your partner and decide who will continue to take charge and if working with an advisor (or new advisor) needs to be considered.
Get all of your “stuff” in one place. I was at my dad’s house the other day and I looked into the corner of his office at an old brief case that I recalled him carrying to work many many years ago and said, “What’s that?” He responded that it is the “death bag”. As a practical scientist and a great sense of humor my dad is more prepared than most.
Connecticut resident Lawrence Ford was dubbed the “Shaman of Wall Street” by the Washington Post – he lives in “both worlds”, the modern world of business and the ancient world of wisdom. At Conscious Capital Wealth Management (formerly Ford Financial Group) has helped over 5,000 people with their investment needs since 1989, and as a Shaman Larry helps people wake up and remember they are here for a reason. Lawrence can be reached at: www.consciouscapitalwm.com – Lford@consciouscapitlawm.com – 860-659-8299 AND at www.larryford.org.