When things get stressful in relationships, it is not uncommon for there to be an outburst of anger. Someone gets angry and exhibits behavior that can border on violent or manifest in other ways, such as coldness, raising the voice, ignoring, and arguing. It is so easy to get entangled and take part in the situation. All it takes is one person to express it and then things can easily escalate out of control resulting in a situation lasting longer than it should and both people feeling miserable.
In order to prevent an unpleasant and stressful situation, it is imperative that we be able to look beyond the anger into the other person and realize that anger is not a natural state of being. Almost always, where there arises conflict there is an absence of love, and there is an abundance of fear.
You can be right or you can be happy
As adults, we need the ability to step back when we are experiencing an angry outburst from someone and observe the person and the situation. This is very difficult because many of us have a need to “win.” This façade of triumph over another and the need to be “right” can prolong any unpleasant situation. This is why it is imperative to train yourself to not add fuel to the fire by participation and diffuse it with observation. This is not easy and it takes practice.
When an argument with your mate or friend has ensued and you are in a heated discussion and no end seems near, this is the perfect time to choose to look at the situation in a new way, something we call a perceptual shift. As you notice faces becoming red, voices rising, and you feel your stress level elevating, you need to shift your perception from you being a victim to focusing on the other person as being frightened and full of fear.
Once you are able to look beyond their behavior and focus on the fear that resided just below the surface of the turmoil, it may be easier to respond to the other person with kindness instead of anger and disapproval. Often times, the other person will accuse you of trying to manipulate them as your tone softens, and they may question your sincerity. Do not let this deter your loving behavior. This is all the more reason to stick to your plan and to focus on extending love and expressing compassion. This process may take some time before the other person begins to understand that you have an interest in eradicating the painful experience of the argument for both of you.
Kill fear with kindness
Often mistrustful people will react in a negative manner to the kindness and become suspicious of your intentions. People have a difficult time processing the fact that they actually have a choice between happiness and misery. If this continues to happen, despite your efforts to stop the stress, you may need to evaluate whether or not this is an appropriate relationship for you. Both people need to respond in kind. Sometimes your efforts will show you the other person’s desire to remain in pain and cling to their suffering.
By seeing the fear, you can let go of your own fears in dealing with such a difficult situation. Seeing the other person differently allows you to create different feelings, which in turn bring different ways of behaving towards them, which in turn cumulatively begins to heal the other’s fears of further hurts. As your false perceptions heal, the other person also heals.
Perceptions rule the world
If you view others as capable, you will deal with them differently and they will behave differently. People with angry outbursts and even violent behavior problems should be regarded as frightened and appealing for help and for love. With this perception, we are all less likely to participate in the battle that stands before us. Instead of feeling like the other person requires control and judgment, view them as needing your love and help.
Someone’s whole world can change as a result of how you perceive them and that is why perception is such a powerful force. How is it our perceptions of others and situations have such an influence on our experience of them? Projection makes perception. Quite simply, this means that the thoughts and beliefs inside of us are projected, coloring our perception of the outside world, its events, and our relationships in it. It is not what another person says or does, nor the events of life that make us happy or unhappy, but rather what we think about that person’s behavior or those events.
Just imagine: If the same event universally brought happiness, one could have a most successful industry of packaging and marketing it! Yet we know that when many people go through the same experience, each one’s interpretive perception is often quite different.
What we BELIEVE we PERCEIVE!
If it is our perceptions that bring our pain and suffering, then how can we change them to move from a powerless position, in which we feel like a victim at the mercy of the people in our lives, to an empowered and happy one, in which we take responsibility for our thoughts and behaviors, and choose to extend love? How do we accomplish this task without having to wait for another person or the world to change?
A perceptual shift is choosing to see someone or a situation differently. It is seeing through the behavior presented to us that appears attacking, rejecting, or depriving. It is looking with X-ray vision to see that the undesirable behavior is only a person who is not accessing their true self. Since perception always includes interpretation, usually a judgment of some kind, then perception is not just a sensory experience, but includes thoughts as well and can therefore be changed.
The perceptual shift we need to make is quite simple, though very profound:
- When we see fear instead of attack, we are no longer afraid, and we are able to tap into our inherent capacity to love or be loving.
- If we do not perceive attack, we don’t have to mount our defenses. We know that displaced anger was just an expression of fear, and there is no reason to get caught up in it.
- We will know that when someone behaves in such bizarre ways, it only means that they do not know more effective ways of getting past their fear.
The choice we have moment to moment is between victimization or empowerment; pain or joy; hell or heaven; illusion or truth; the ego or our True Self.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6737598
Dr. Henry Grayson is an expert of the mind/body/spirit psychology. He received his Ph.D. in psychology from Boston University and a 4-year post-doctoral certificate in psychotherapy and psychoanalysis from the Postgraduate Center for Mental Health. He has studied neuropsychology, quantum physics and Eastern and Western spiritual philosophies. Dr. Grayson is the author of several books and an esteemed colleague and faculty member of The Graduate Institute, in Bethany CT, where he teaches energy psychology for their Integrative Health & Healing degree program.