I believe one of the most difficult jobs of all is that of providing care for someone we love who is suffering from Alzheimer’s or dementia of any kind. Not only making sure we are doing everything we can for our loved one medically, but also trying to provide them with a kind, caring environment. It takes its toll in so many ways.
After several years of watching my mother decline, my siblings and I decided she needed to be in a facility—it was no longer safe for her to live alone as she had been. My mother has been suffering from Alzheimer’s disease for the past 25 years. It is amazing that at 97 her body was still going strong but her mind is actually gone. No memory of her children or grandchildren or her previous life at all. Pretty soon even her ability to speak was challenged.
At the same time, my late husband was suffering from Parkinson’s disease. I was his full-time caregiver by choice. I wanted as much time with him as possible. The emotional, physical, and mental pressure that is placed on a caregiver is enormous. The problem is, the caregiver is so often unaware of the increasing stress, anxiety, and depression that is growing inside them during this time—it just becomes their new
normal. I know with my husband, I didn’t understand about self-care and finding time
to recharge myself. I did not take that time alone for self-care, I did not want to leave him at all.
I thought it would be selfish.
Helping Yourself Is Helping Your Loved One
Looking back, I now understand that being a caregiver is a long-term process. You have to understand that taking a break, such as going to lunch, is not remotely selfish—it’s necessary, in fact. Unless you have been in the role of caregiver, it is difficult to explain to someone what it’s like, all of the emotions it brings and the energy it pulls from you. It becomes your normal life, and in the moment, you don’t realize the toll it’s taking. Here are some important things to think about:
- We’ve all heard the stories of someone healthy who is taking care of their very sick spouse, only to later hear that the healthy spouse developed cancer (or another ailment) and passed away before the spouse who had previously been more ill.
- Another thing to remember is that the role of caregiver becomes the most important relationship to the patient. They become very dependent on this person and often do not want anyone else around them. This, of course, makes it more difficult to get some alone time.
- When it comes to giving bad news to the patient, let the doctors do as much as possible. I tried to get my husband’s neurologist to tell him he could no longer drive (David had had three accidents in five months). The doctor didn’t do it, so I had to. These situations put additional stress on an already stressful situation. It also puts more strain on the caregiver relationship, which you want to limit as much as possible. Remember, you are the one person they’re relying on at this time for all of their needs – medically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally.
It’s so important to remember that the role of caregiver to someone we love can be filled with many ever-changing emotions. We’re thankful we can give this time and attention to our loved ones. We also realize that this time will most likely be the last we have to share with the person we love. What a gift we can provide to that special someone—to be there, someone they know and love. And what a gift we receive, that of being able to spend this precious time with someone who means so much to us. To be the best we can be for them, we need to be the best we can be for ourselves.
Jennifer Vear Hoy has spent over 20 years in the corporate world as a corporate strategist operating her firm in Chicago, for which she earned her first master’s degree in Management and Organizational Behavior. She has since relocated to Naples, and after the death of her husband, she realized firsthand the need for professional and compassionate counseling in the Naples area. She went back to school and earned her second graduate degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. Her passion is helping others live the life they were meant to live.
Jennifer Vear Hoy, Peaceful Summit Counseling, LLC located at 1048 Goodlette Road North Suite 201 in Naples. Call the office at 239.307.4708, mobile at 239.450.8090, or visit: https://peacefulsummitnaples.com/ to learn more.