Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you felt truly free to say and act in accordance with your own wants and needs? Have you thought about what it would be like to actually make decisions that were in your own best interest, even if that meant sometimes upsetting or disappointing someone else? Have you imagined what might change or how it would feel to be truly free and to have a solid sense of self? What if I told you that you could be free by simply becoming conscious of unconscious patterns and behaviors that you developed in your early years that no longer serve you. Freedom can be found by shifting codependent patterns!
What Does It Mean to Be Codependent?
Tian Dayton writes that codependency is “a trauma-related loss of self,” something that happens in our early development when our primary caregivers aren’t emotionally available to give us the love and nurturing we need. It is a learned behavior and relationship pattern. In a codependent relationship, one person sacrifices their needs (filling the “giver” role) while the other plays the “taker” role, depending on their partner, to meet their needs.
These relationships tend to be one-sided and can cause both partners to lose their sense of self. The patterns can show up in friendships, marriages, and families. Often, the codependent will take on the “victim” role, but the truth is that it is a co-creation, and once we change our behavior, everything changes.
The Pattern Emerges
When we people-please, we often think we’re just being a “nice” person. But for a codependent, “niceness” has another dimension to it. The difference between just being “nice” and codependency lies within your motivation for this kindness. In one scenario, you have a ticket to a show that your friend wants to go to. You don’t really feel super attached to going and decide to give them the ticket because they’ve been having a hard time. You don’t really care whether you go, and you know they will be thrilled.
In the codependent scenario, on the other hand, you really want to go to the show, but you feel you should give it to your friend since they have been having a hard time. You give it to them with a desire to be more liked and feel “safer” in the friendship. You exchange going to the event for the hope of being more loved and appreciated. And if you’re being honest, you also subconsciously expect that this behavior will garner some sort of perk. In the future, if your friend doesn’t reciprocate or appreciate you enough, this will generally turn into resentment.
Now apply that to other relationships. It’s the exact same pattern. The hardest part is that when we attempt to change these patterns or set boundaries, we will often feel selfish or fearful. In addition, we may not even know what we actually want and who we truly are outside of our relationships. That is why I am forever grateful to the people I have worked with through the years who have helped me to recognize these patterns within myself, reframe situations and remind me that it is acceptable and important to focus on my needs and wants.
These patterns are so ingrained that we are often unable to recognize them within ourselves. They have become so normalized that they become invisible. The only indication that something may be off is our constant dissatisfaction, frustration, fatigue, resentment, shame, and anger in relationships.
Break Free
Once we see these patterns, we have a chance to create balanced, loving, safe relationships—the very thing we long for. When I met my husband, I was clearer about who I was and what I wanted, and I was unwilling to be anything else. My family remarked that it was the first time they saw me behaving the same way when I was in my partner’s presence as when I was alone. I actually felt safe and free to be fully myself.
Can you relate? Do you carry different personas and feel like you don’t really know who you are? If so, maybe it’s time to break free.
I have found that recovery starts in connecting with ourselves in those moments when we are tempted to try and change others or garner love from them. In those moments, we can instead ask what need we are trying to meet within ourselves! And then start moving in that direction. Then watch your whole life transform!
Kristina B. Gretouce is a Certified Life and Health and Wellness Coach with over 15 years of experience. Kristina offers a complimentary 10-minute discovery call—please contact her at 239.350.4544 and visit: www.codependencyfreedom.com. 704 Goodlette-Frank Rd N, Naples.