When we have a few things we are good at, the things we work hard to be good at, the whole of our lives seems to feel better. We dedicate our time and energies to improving ourselves in some specific way. For many adults, this may be the kind of work they do. Too often adults place too much emphasis on being good at work. Generally, these things we push ourselves to excel at are the things that give meaning in our lives. This is mastery. Mastery gives a sense of competency and capability to take on life’s bigger challenges. Ideally we have all found a few precious things that enrich our lives and leave us feeling competent and capable. We generalize this feeling of mastery to a sense of optimism and stability to other areas of our lives.
Erik Erikson’s Take
One of the giant’s of developmental psychology, Erik Erikson, placed a great deal of emphasis on this concept. Upon entering toddlerhood, a child’s developmental challenges revolve around developing mastery. The goal for toddlers in attaining a degree of autonomy as they explore their physical environment sets the stage for their later abilities. Kindergarten age sees initiative and inferiority vying for the dominant spot in a child’s sense of self. Again in the middle-school years, mastery features strongly again as the goal for a strong sense of self-worth comes from refining their skills. Interestingly the downside to these early stages is inferiority for school children and shame for toddlers. These are perhaps two of the more destructive and enfeebling thoughts we can carry around about ourselves. When we move into adolescence, these experiences form the bedrock for how we see ourselves.
We, as Parents
Erikson plotted the challenges of each stage of life and we are reminded of the risks in not appropriately resolving each challenge. As parents, we struggle with balancing our children’s need for mastery and our desire to keep them safe. This can take the form of protecting them from the frustration of failure. Overprotective parents obviously mean well; no parent wants to see harm come to their child. Perhaps many of us have been warned to the pitfalls of each developmental stage and do our best to safe guard our children. What is missed is the amount that parents will sometimes do and the child is left without this sense of competency and capability that comes with mastery. Ultimately what matters is that children be allowed to fall short on the small things as they grow so they have the experience of picking themselves up afterwards. As many parents will tell, ordering a child to be responsible does not always yield the desired result.
A late-coming Mastery
The idea of mastery is one I have been striving for a long, long time. It has become the ultimate goal. I have looked for that thing that I can truly claim to be good at. I have found success in my career as a therapist and truly believe myself to be ‘good’ at what I do. But I was looking for something more. Perhaps like many people I have a hard time giving myself credit for my accomplishments. I was looking for that thing that I could claim as my own, not out of necessity or financial gain. I began running several years ago as the specter of middle age hung over me. Over time I found I was getting much healthier. To my surprise, I was also getting faster. Still I would not allow myself the satisfaction of mastery. So I ran farther. I found for me, even after running my first marathon and still awash in sweaty exhaustion, it wasn’t until my eldest daughter approached me with tears in her eyes that I knew I had done something of real importance. Maybe another way to think about this is to say that at that point, with her tears and my sweat, I felt I had done something big. It may just be that this feeling was more important than what I thought in my head. This may be the key to helping children to feel good about what they do without telling them how they have done a good job.
Mastery in adults
Daniel Pink, in his 2009 book Drive, discusses mastery as one of the three components for motivation. In order for people to be productive, they must have, along with autonomy and purpose, a sense of mastery in what they do. While he writes about this in the realm of business motivation, he would not object to a general sense of wellness. Many of his other books also speak to value of mastery in everyday mental and even physical health. Pink outlines three laws of mastery. First, mastery comes from a mindset of incremental growth. We have to believe that we can create new talents, or masteries, rather than struggle with ‘what we are given’. Getting better at them takes time and perseverance. Secondly, mastery is pain. It may be hard to inspire anyone to dedicate to mastery while realizing that doing so is often mundane or even painful. To be a writer, one has to write; to be a runner, one has to run. Mastery requires a dedication to this activity so that it may grow. Pink quotes the basketball great Julius Erving writing, ‘Being a professional is doing the things you love to do, on days you don’t feel like doing them.” Even Michelangelo brushed aside the praise in saying, “If people only knew how hard I work to gain my mastery, it wouldn’t seem so wonderful at all.” If this seems daunting to the adult reader, take heart there are many who feel this way as well. But all will agree the payoff for the amount of work put in is worth it at the other side of it. The sense of well-being gained from excelling at something is applauded by others, this is true, but, sport heroes or great artists aside, the time and effort put into an endeavor does wonders in terms of feelings of competence and capability. Lastly, Pink recognizes that we can never fully master anything and should be always striving for further improvement. In this, we must strive for improvement always, not to be the best but just to be better than we were. When it comes to mastery, this is the message. We don’t need to be the best, but we can always do better.
For the kids
As parents we strive to give them everything we can, so they have a happy childhood and a productive adulthood. The question I’m left with is how to motivate kids to put in the effort, particularly when many already have hectic school and social calendars. We know the effort is worth it if they can just stick with it long enough to start feeling some of the benefits to how they see themselves. We can let this be a part of what we give them, a persistence to push through the discomfort and awkwardness of something new. Part of how we do this is by modeling the same values in our own lives. Share with them the things you have found that give a sense of mastery. And it’s never too late to take up new hobbies.
Michael Westfall is a licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) with 10 years experience working with children, teens and families. He has a background in attachment work and enjoys adolescents’ quest for authenticity (as well as mastery) as it relates to their functioning with their world. He sees individuals from children to adulthood at his practice in Manchester, CT, where he can be reached at (860) 212-8923. He is accepting new clients and in network with most commercial and state insurances.