Part of taking care of ourselves is learning how to express all our emotions. One emotion that seems to cause the most confusion, havoc or uncertainty in most of us is the expression of anger. In spite of what we’ve been told, there’s nothing inherently wrong with anger. It can be and actually is a powerful, positive and most useful emotion when it is expressed appropriately. It’s a signal; our body’s way of letting us know we are not being true to who or what we are. It can be an indication that our needs are not being met or that someone is violating us or our space in some way.
Anger becomes a problem when it is uncontrolled, repressed and/or chronic. It can be destructive to relationships as well as to our health. Uncontrolled anger is often the leading cause of many forms of violence, including physical abuse, fights, assault, arguments, addiction and self harm. Uncontrolled, repressed or chronic anger not only affects our life and the lives of those around us but also affects our health. Recurrent unmanaged anger can eventually cause harm to many different systems of the body due to the constant flood of stress chemicals and resulting metabolic changes. Unresolved anger has been linked to insomnia, increased anxiety, depression, headaches, digestion problems, high blood pressure, heart disease, cancer, skin problems, heart attack, stroke and any diseases caused by a distressed immune system. Anger also impairs and diminishes our ability to solve problems, think rationally or creatively and seriously decreases our ability to analyze, reason or make logical judgments.
All that being said, anger is a natural emotion and should be expressed. If you find you have a generalized, or an unidentified source of anger or anger that needs to be released physically, one of the most effective ways to express it is to practice regular exercise. It is proven to improve mood and reduce stress levels by boosting production of our mood-regulating neurotransmitters in the brain including endorphins and catecholamines. This is most effective when added to practicing yoga and using breathing techniques to relax, get centered and stay in the present moment.
But, if you are suffering from anger or resentment towards someone, one of the most valuable exercises I have used personally and have advised clients to use is the following writing exercise. The results are absolutely amazing. It is adapted from the book: How To Make Love All The Time by Barbara DeAngelis, Ph.D.
This process for healing conflicts and releasing hurts and anger will bring you through all the emotional layers that prevent you from experiencing and sharing your true self, your love, and from participating fully in life. It is a very powerful healing process if you truly let yourself express your feelings at each level of your emotions. It is a simple yet difficult process.
Write a letter to the person expressing ALL the feelings and emotions you have that you may or may not have said. You don’t need to ever share this letter with that person; this is for YOU to heal. It may also be used if you still have anger or resentment with a loved one who is no longer living. Write and write and write for each section until you feel there is nothing left to say, then move on to the next section. If more feelings from the previous section come up while you’re writing, go back and write some more in that section. Write those feelings until stuck again and then move on. Write without censoring. Don’t bother with spelling correctly or punctuation (unless it helps you express a phrase – of course!). Don’t stop writing (keep your pen moving on the paper) until you get all the way through the last section. Attempt to have a balance between the sections. In other words, don’t write six pages of anger and blame and then two sentences in love and forgiveness. The examples below are just suggestions, not a formula to follow, but simply a guide if you need some help getting started.
Take a deep breath, and go for it. Your life is waiting.
- Anger and Blame
- I hate when you…
- I am furious at you for…
- I am so angry at you for…
- How can/could you…
- You are such a…for…
- I hate you when…
Hurt and Sadness
- I feel sad when…
- It hurts me when…
- I felt awful because…
- I feel disappointed that…
- It makes me sad to think…
- It makes me sad to see you…
Fear and Insecurity
- I’m afraid that…
- It scares me that…
- I’m worried that…
Remorse and Responsibility (Note: You don’t have to be wrong to feel guilty or sorry)
- I’m sorry that…
- I didn’t mean to…
- I’m sorry we are…
- I’m sorry I…
- I’m sorry…
- Please forgive…
Intention and Wishes
- I want…
- I wish…
- I hope…
Love, Forgiveness, Understanding and Appreciation
- I love the way you…
- I love you because…
- I really appreciate you for…
- I’m grateful that…
- You really are a…
- Thank you for…
- I like it when…
Karen Gregaitis, MS is a Professional Presentations Coach, a graduate of Coach U, and has a Masters degree in Professional Counseling. She owns Creative Transformations, LLC a coaching and counseling practice that helps entrepreneurs, and professionals find the career that fills all their needs and desires and inspires them to live a life where they can express and use all their innate talents, gifts and genius. For more information, contact her at 860-250-8048 or visit www.creativetransformations.com.