Now let me get back to the issue of death and loss. This is a subject that is not really confronted when you get a medical education. I struggled a great deal with my feelings and wondered how any God could create a world with so many problems and afflictions.
In the hospital the word death is rarely used. Patients pass, fail, leave, or go to a better place. The morgue at Yale is in the Brady Building. When my friend Allen died and I entered his empty room no one would say he died when I asked, “Did Allen Die?” They answered, “He Bradied.”
Most people die in the hospital in the middle of the night when families are not there to make you feel guilty and doctors are not there to stop you. A group of young doctors were competing with each other on their eight hour shifts to keep a man from dying until one wrote an article about their sick behavior entitled, “Not on My Shift.” I see how much control we have over when we die in families where love is shared. To quote a young child with cancer, named Amber, who on her mother’s birthday said, “Mom, I’m dying today as a gift to you to free you from all the trouble.”
Now accidents happen too and not every death is like Amber’s or my Dad’s. My Dad died laughing because of stories my mother told about their early dates. The first related to his losing a coin toss and having to take my mother out. When he died the room was filled with love and it touched everyone of every age and left them without fear. My Mom, age ninety-five, died just before our 50th wedding anniversary as a way of getting more people to come to our celebration, as well as, her funeral. That’s the kind of mother she was and I also knew, unlike my Dad, she would not die with her kids in the room.
My in-laws also taught me lessons, both dying in their nineties. My quadriplegic father-in-law refused dinner and his vitamins one night, told us he was tired of his body, and died that night. Years before I asked him for advice when lecturing seniors. Because of his accident he said, “Tell them to fall on something soft.” A few days later I visited him and he said, “It doesn’t always work. They stood me up in therapy and I fell over and broke my wife’s leg. So tell them to just fall up.” The words, he just fell up, are on his headstone in the Woodbridge cemetery. My mother-in-law died peacefully an hour before I was to have lunch with her. I felt something had happened and went to her nursing home early. The nurse said, “Oh you heard.” I said that I hadn’t heard but I knew. I think my mother-in-law was just trying to avoid lunch with her multiple personality son-in-law. What they taught me is that we can spend our lives living and not dying when love is present and guilt is not an issue.
Bernie holds a support group in Simsbury at Wisdom of the Ages the first Wednesday of each month from 7-9pm. Wisdom of the Ages, a special place to nurture your spiritual side. It’s filled with items to calm the mind, heal the body & empower your spirit. They also provide massages & monthly meditation classes. Wisdom of the Ages is owned by Bernie’s son & daugh- ter- in-law, Keith & Jane Siegel. Located at 1408 Hopmeadow St. Simsbury. Please call for info or to register for Bernie’s group. (860) 651-1172, www. wisdomoftheages.biz, berniesiegelmd.com. See ad on page 40. Bernie also runs a Woodbridge Support Group which meets the Second and Fourth Tuesday evenings of each month at Coachman’s Square, Bradley Road, Woodbridge, CT. Contact: Lucille Ranciato at 203-288-2839 or email her at [email protected].