I Want You to Tell Me No

I am going to teach you how to LOVE rejection. By the time I am done with you, you will CRAVE it and seek it out. Yes, I know you think I’m crazy, but hear me out. About 10 years ago, I worked for a very successful, well-known network marketing company. The personal development and sales training I went through with this company was incredible and invaluable. I credit it for my ability to start my own company and be hugely successful in sales.

I learned how to build a mindset that focused on being relentlessly positive, never taking it personally, and never getting defeated.

I soon understood this was critical in being a successful entrepreneur, but I believe it also has a major impact on many other parts of your life as well.

What does this have to do with dating you ask? Think of how many times you’ve seen a beautiful woman that you were immediately attracted to, but instead of going up to her and striking up a conversation, you sat there and watched her walk on by. Another potential missed connection, another lost opportunity.

And why did you let her walk away? You didn’t know what to say…you didn’t want to come off aggressive…you didn’t want to be rejected.

But what if she could’ve been the love of your life? Unfortunately, now you’ll never know. And this will never change until you feel more pain from the missed opportunity than you do from the possibility of rejection. If you haven’t read Eckhert Tolle’s book, “The Power of Now,” put it on your list. Tolle goes into great detail describing how we are motivated more by pain than pleasure. People will not make transformations until the pain of being in their current situation outweighs the pain of going through the necessary changes to get what they want. No matter how badly you think you want something – if staying in your current state is really not that painful, you won’t make the change.

Take the example of weight loss. You know you need to lose a few pounds – ok maybe like 20. You’re not happy with the way that you look, but it’s really not affecting your health that much…yet. And you LOVE food. Plus if you stay overweight, you can blame that on the reasons why you’re not in a relationship. Many times we have to have a serious health scare before we get our act together and get healthy. Then the pain of not being healthy outweighs the pain of what we need to do to get healthy – exercising, eating better, giving up unhealthy foods and bad habits.

So – let’s say you’re at that point – you’re ready to make changes to find the perfect woman. Now how do you get real comfortable with rejection? Because you will be rejected! You can count on that, lol.

The owner of the network marketing company I worked for had a great saying that I loved:

“A no is one step closer to a yes. Every time I get a no, I’m excited because I know I’m that much closer to a yes.”

What an awesome perspective. I also learned that sales is a numbers game – and I think that’s what he was getting at. The most successful salespeople are the ones that make the most calls and spend the most time networking, finding new leads and building relationships.

A marketing study done at Notre Dame University found the following statistics:

• 44% of all salespeople quit trying after the first call
• 24% quit after the second call
• 14% quit after the third call
• 12 % quit after the fourth call

This means that 94% of all salespeople quit after the fourth call, but there is another statistic that finds 60% of all sales are made AFTER the fourth call! How many sales were lost because people stopped asking?!?

You have to look at rejection as a positive outcome. You have to want to be rejected because you know you are one woman closer to finding the right one. In dating, the way I have always dealt with rejection is thinking that, “this guy isn’t the right one and I’m just dodging the bullet now!” Sure, it can bruise your ego – if you take it personally. Just like you aren’t attracted to every woman, many women aren’t going to be attracted to you. NBD! Next! Why would you even want her if she doesn’t take one look at you and think, “Oh wow, he’s hot – I want to meet him!” Those are the only women you should even be considering.

Building the self-confidence to have this kind of attitude and perspective takes time. I get that. But here are some tips and tools you can start using immediately.

1. Get Over Yourself Already. Tell your ego to take a hike. Yes, we need our egos for certain things like motivation, striving to accomplish goals, and having desires. But the rest of the time it just gets us into trouble and causes unnecessary drama and problems for us. When you get rejected – do NOT even think about it. Don’t analyze it, don’t wonder why, don’t ask your friends what you did wrong. LET IT GO. Move on.
2. Recognize that Rejection is About Her Not You. Anytime someone tells you no – it’s NEVER about you. I know it may seem like it – isn’t she directly saying she’s not interested in you? Doesn’t matter – it’s not about you – it’s about her. There are a million possible reasons why she’s saying no right now – maybe she just got out of a bad relationship, maybe she had a bad day at work, maybe she recently had to put her cat down – you have no idea and it really doesn’t matter. Next!
3. Focus on Why You Are Amazing. Imagine the kind of world we would live in if everyone LOVED themselves! If all people were self-confident, authentic, loving, generous people – I’m hearing John Lennon right now lol. If you truly believe that you are an incredible catch and any woman would be lucky to have you – you won’t care when you get rejected because deep down you know that she wasn’t the right one. You’re one step closer. I want you to make a list of all of the qualities you love about yourself and why you would make an amazing boyfriend. Take that list and put it in your wallet, tape it to your bathroom mirror, post it on your refrigerator and look at it daily.

Now your task is to approach one new woman a week. I don’t care if you just ask her for the time. Just practice meeting someone new. And when you’re more comfortable, engage her in conversation. You’ll know right away whether she is open to talking to you – you’ll see it in her eyes, she’ll smile, and she will find a way to continue the conversation! And if not…NEXT!

Dr. Diane Hayden is the owner and publisher of Natural Nutmeg Magazine, Essential Living Maine Magazine and Nutmeg Creative Media. She is a speaker, writer and workshop facilitator. She holds a B.S. in Marketing from the University of Connecticut, a Ph.D. in Exercise Physiology from the University of Maryland and is an Empowerment Life Coach. For 20 years, her work has focused on inspiring individuals to learn about the power of thought and emotion and how it shapes their lives. Her passion centers on helping even just one person navigate the dating scene and find the perfect partner with whom they can share their life.

You can learn more about her online at: https://essentialnaples.com.