Everything I do is for you.
You’re my reason for living.
I don’t need anyone else as long as I have you.
A few more of these sappy, romantic quips, and I’m halfway to an epic power ballad! As lyrics in a corny love song, they’re great – but as an attitude or position, not so much. This is one of the many ways codependency can manifest itself, and unlike the spandex-laden power ballads of yesterday, this doesn’t always end well.
What Does Codependency Look Like?
Codependency is a bit tricky to recognize for those of us in its grasp, but these tendencies are rooted in the positive behaviors and coping mechanisms of childhood. Taking the feelings of others into account as a young person will earn you high praise from the relatives and teachers in your life. But that’s a good thing, right? How did we make the leap from considerate to codependent?
It’s different for all of us, but let’s assume for a moment that there was a need for the child to determine the emotional state of their parent(s) on a regular basis. The list of potential reasons is long. Perhaps there’s chemical dependency, physical/emotional abuse, divorce, or a combination of any of these factors. Watching a parent go through something traumatic or difficult can cause the parent/child relationship to take a turn toward codependency as well. Single parent households, only child households. The fact is codependency is extremely common. When children are allowed to see some of the messy details of adult life, or these circumstances impact them directly, a reaction is only natural.
When kids demonstrate the ability to be thoughtful, loving caretakers, they’re often rewarded or praised. It would be strange to admonish a child for showing genuine concern for someone they love, right? What’s taken as thoughtful, mature, and understanding in a ten-year-old may be a case of codependency blossoming before our very eyes. Left unchecked, this will result in low self-esteem, a persistent need for validation from others, and a series of unhealthy relationships.
The Antidote
OK, we get the causes and signs, but what do we do now? The great news is that there is an antidote for codependency – self-esteem! It seems simple, right? Conceptually, it is. Making ourselves the first priority in our lives and becoming our own best friends will inevitably balance some of those unhealthy relationships. It will also prevent the need to constantly seek validation from others.
Hypnotherapy is a highly effective tool in supporting this empowering transformation. Stepping into the present moment and giving ourselves a much-deserved pat on the back for all we’ve done for others, our noble tendencies and caring nature, while acknowledging that it’s time to divert some of that energy back to ourselves, is where we begin. Just as we all did what was needed to survive childhood and adolescence, all of us can do what is necessary to become our ideal selves more consistently. A combination of post-hypnotic suggestions during appointments, self-hypnosis, diagnostic journaling, breath control exercises, and some support can accomplish a lot in a short time. Remember, in hypnotherapy, we talk in terms of weeks, not years. Behavior will change, and things will get better.
Think of all the people in your life. Consider your role and think of what’s expected from you. What happens if you’re not there? The irony is that the relationships we’ve been sacrificing ourselves for inevitably suffer from our lack of self-love. An empty lantern shines no light, and we all have important roles to play in each other’s lives. We all deserve our own love and support. We all deserve to feel contentment and peace in ourselves. It’s the only way to feel a true and balanced love with others!
Marcel Touponse is a Hypnotherapist, Sound Healer, Life Coach, and Tarot Reader. He co-owns The Blackbird House in Old Wethersfield and operates Blackbird Hypnosis. Marcel’s goal is to assist you in “becoming aligned with your mind.” He offers regular workshops on Self-Hypnosis and is available for small and large group tarot readings.
Erin Touponse is a Mystic Healing Reiki, is a Reiki Master/Teacher, Hypnotherapist, Pranic Healer, Tarot Scholar, and student of Shamanic studies. She is co-owner of The Blackbird House in Old Wethersfield and author of Soul’s Journey – A Practical Guide to Reading the Tarot. Her goal is to help you “awaken your inner healer.” Erin offers classes including Reiki, Tarot, and Master Healer Workshops.